Kids Need Help Understanding Their Emotions Before They Can Manage Them
By Darrick Lamar Bell, CAGS, MAEP
Founder & Chief Executive Officer
Bell Educational Consulting and Mentoring Services, LLC
“Kids can’t manage emotions that they don’t understand.”
That statement invites parents and educators to think carefully about what we ask of children. We expect them to handle disappointment, accept feedback, manage frustration, and recover from conflict. Yet we sometimes give more attention to correcting their reactions than to teaching the skills those situations require.
“Calm down” communicates an expectation. A child may still need help understanding what they feel, recognizing when distress is building, and choosing what to do next.
The statement also deserves a qualification: children can begin calming with an adult’s help before they can explain their emotions. And knowing the word “angry” does not guarantee that a child can pause before acting. Emotional understanding is one part of a larger learning process.
What the research tells us
Research supports explicit instruction and supportive adult responses. A meta-analysis of emotion-understanding training studies found that children’s understanding of emotions can improve through targeted teaching. Understanding a feeling, however, should not be treated as proof that a child can manage it independently in every setting.
A 2023 meta-analysis of randomized trials found that parenting interventions focused on emotion socialization improved young children’s emotional competence and behavioral adjustment. These studies primarily involved children younger than seven, so their findings should not be assumed to apply equally to adolescents.
Schools also have a meaningful role. Cipriano and colleagues’ 2023 meta-analysis examined 424 studies involving 575,361 students. Students participating in universal school-based social and emotional learning programs showed improvements across several areas, including skills, behavior, relationships, and academic achievement. Results varied with program content, context, and implementation.
These findings support sustained teaching and practice. They do not establish that a single feelings chart, phrase, or brief lesson will produce the same outcomes as a complete intervention.
Look beyond the visible reaction
Consider a student who puts his head down after receiving corrections on an assignment. An adult might interpret the response as refusal. The student might feel embarrassed, confused, discouraged, or worried about appearing incapable. Those possibilities call for questions rather than assumptions.
A later conversation could begin: “When you saw the corrections, what did you think they meant? What feeling came next? What would help you ask for clarification?”
This preserves the expectation that the student will engage with the work while helping identify what makes engagement difficult.
Practical strategies for parents and teachers
The following examples are applications of emotion coaching, skills instruction, and developmental guidance. They should be adjusted to the child and evaluated for usefulness.
1. Give children more precise feeling words
Offer language beyond “good,” “bad,” and “mad.” During a calm moment, ask, “Were you disappointed, frustrated, worried, or something else?” Let the child correct your guess.
Parents can explore feelings through everyday conversations and stories. Teachers can use literature, classroom scenarios, and private check-ins. The purpose is to help children describe their experience accurately.
2. Help them notice distress earlier
Ask what they notice as a situation becomes difficult. A child might describe tight hands, a fast heartbeat, trouble concentrating, or an urge to leave. These signs are individual and do not identify a particular emotion by themselves.
A simple intensity scale can open a conversation: “How strong is the feeling right now? At what point would asking for help be useful?”
3. Acknowledge feelings and maintain limits
“You’re disappointed that screen time ended. Hitting is unsafe. I’ll help you take a break.”
“You’re frustrated with the assignment. Throwing materials is unsafe. Let’s choose a way to get help.”
These responses acknowledge the child’s experience while making the behavioral expectation clear. Repairing harm remains part of the follow-up.
4. Practice a small set of useful responses
Choose two or three options with the child: ask for clarification, request a brief break, use comfortable slow breathing, or speak with a trusted adult. Rehearse the words and actions during ordinary moments.
At school, agree on how a break begins and how the student returns to learning. At home, practice a sentence such as, “I’m getting frustrated. Can you help me with the first step?”
5. Make adult support visible
Co-regulation describes how adults support developing self-regulation through relationships, structure, and coaching. A steady adult response can include brief language, predictable expectations, and help using a practiced skill.
Adults can model the process: “I’m frustrated, so I’m pausing before I respond.” If an adult reacts harshly, a repair can also model responsibility: “My tone was too sharp. I’m going to try again.”
6. Reflect after the child has recovered
Keep the review focused: What happened? What did you feel? What helped? What could you try next time?
Finish by practicing one replacement response. A brief rehearsal provides something concrete to use when the situation happens again.
Match support to the learner
Younger children may use pictures, play, or a few basic words. Adolescents may prefer privacy and more control over how they participate. Some children communicate more comfortably by writing, drawing, pointing, or selecting from options.
Adults should also examine the conditions surrounding distress. Confusing directions, peer mistreatment, excessive demands, or an overwhelming environment may require changes alongside skills instruction.
Families and school teams can choose one shared target, such as asking for help before leaving a task, and review whether support is working. Progress might include earlier help-seeking, safer responses, shorter recovery, or greater independence. Persistent distress that disrupts daily functioning warrants individualized assessment and support.
Teach the response we hope to see
Children need opportunities to connect feelings with choices and to practice those choices with supportive adults. Compassion, clear expectations, and accountability can work together.
“Your feelings matter. Your actions have an impact. We will practice what you can do next.”
Research and further reading
Children’s emotion understanding: A meta-analysis of training studies.
Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief.
Learn more about educational consultation and student mentoring through Bell Educational Consulting and Mentoring Services, LLC.
